Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What a day!!

Lucky for Daddy, he had to open the Spa this morning and missed our craziness at the house.  By 7:30 this morning, the boys and I had all yelled, cried and each thrown our own major temper tantrum.  Last night I had a horrible dream/nightmare about Isabelle so combining that with the boy's meltdowns might explain part of my own temper tantrum.  (still not excusable but I am finding the need to justify why at my age I had my own temper tantrum.)
I had started a rule just last night that when the boys decide to throw a temper tantrum, 5 minutes will be deducted from their bed time.  I am trying this because I can't find anything that works.  I have no idea how to stop temper tantrums, I believe I have been consistent with them but at the ages of 7 and 5, I would think they would be starting to decline at this point... but no such luck.  So... for tonight, all three of us have to go to bed early due to our temper tantrums this morning, even Mommy.  To top off our "wonderful" morning, one of the dogs had gotten sick (Thankfully, Daddy had cleaned it up before he left but I saw my poor rug outside) and Ethan's backpack was in Daddy's trunk.  No backpack= automatic change in his color chart at school (which started another meltdown!).
I made it to work but as soon as Ryan called me to find out how the morning went... I broke down.  At this point, I can't start crying especially in public because I won't be able to stop.  It is like a faucet with no off switch. 
My doctors have said for a while that I need to get to week 36 which always seemed so far away until someone reminded me that it is actually only 3 weeks from now.  What?!?  I am not prepared.  This realization has put me in a spiral of emotions and complete freak out mode.  I am not emotionally/mentally prepared and our house is definitely not ready.  I am normally a very organized person but at this point, you would never know that.  Also, although I like to be spontaneous at times, I don't with the big things in my life.  When big changes happen, I like to know every step before it happens and what needs to be done before I get there.  With Isabelle, I can't do that.  I am so ready for this pregnancy to be over.  It has been long, stressful and quite frankly... not fun at all but I am not ready for Isabelle yet. I don't feel like I am prepared emotionally or mentally. 
When a person has a fear and knows that they must face it, majority of the time you have comfort in that you face it head on, get through it and move on.  With the diagnosis of Isabelle, this is a life long journey.  This isn't something that follows those steps above.  This is what overwhelms me. 
I want to be strong but right now, I don't know how to be.  I want to trust in everything that I know is true and that God will protect us and never give me anything I can't handle but I don't feel that right now.  This seems a little too much for me at this point.
So... what I would like to know is if I can put myself in time out and in the bed about 8 hours early due to my temper tantrum?  Trust me... it wasn't pretty.  Maybe I could sleep away this day and start fresh in the morning.


Aimee said...

Awe, buddy-- It's amazing to read something that could have been written by myself not so long ago (well, minus the two other kids and temper tantrums, lol). Just know, KNOW, that as soon as you see her little face, your world will just seem... RIGHT. Frankly I think it's the best part about knowing before the birth- you've already accepted, to some degree (and don't get me wrong- I had to SEE Piper and get to know her before I REALLY got there...), who your darlin' little one is. You'll see her little face, and all the worry, anticipation, and anxiety will just melt away. Sure it's scary, and unknown, and lots to do, but it's so, so worth it. I promise. You'll get a ways down the road and have no idea why you worried so much. I know we do... :) Hang in there- sounds like everything is going great!

Krista~CF Mama said...

Tonya, I so know where your coming from. With Ayla's Cystic Fibrosis DX we knew it was a lifelong diagnosis as well. But I was so eager to get her heal to get her surgery underway and get her home where she belonged. It was very scary but Aimee is so right.. even with all the fear and worry over what was to come for her....once I saw her it was like I could do anything and everything I had to for her. I could be superwoman and never sleep again if I had to...Your instincts will take over and you will be able to care for her needs better than anyone...trust me...its scary....I know-but you will get there!