Thursday, December 30, 2010


UPS delivered a lovely package yesterday and you would have thought it was Christmas all over again for Ryan.  Inside were these...
Shots!!!  The high risk doctor said I needed to start taking progesterone shots each week to help prevent pre term labor.  Aiden was born a month early after bed rest and a hospital stay.  So they want to help (along with my OB) make sure that this baby stays nice and cozy in my belly for as long as possible.  The doctor said the first shot should be administered by the doctor's office so Ryan can see the proper way to give them to me each week. 
Now, I don't like shots.  I do everything possible to avoid having to get shots.  I start to sweat just at the sight of them or find out I have to have one.  So... the idea of someone other than a professional giving me a shot doesn't excite me and it actually makes me want to run in the opposite direction screaming.  Don't get me wrong...I trust Ryan completely, but he is just a little too excited about these shots.  He wanted to go ahead and start them last night just to try.  I quickly explained that I am not a pin cushion and it's just not going to happen.  I think he might just like to see me squirm.  
Wish me luck as Monday is the start date.  Hopefully the side effects aren't too bad.  But...if I go crazy on someone, I am blaming it on the shots!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Coming to terms...

We did hear from the doctor on Monday (or I think it was actually the counselor).  We received the results that we were expecting and now we are coming to terms with things.  At this point, we have been very vague about her prognosis and I think it is due to Ryan and I adjusting to everything.  We will feel comfortable in time to discuss everything and speak openly about it.  Until then, general prayers would be greatly appreciated. 
We have fears of the unknown, fears of her suffering, fears for our boys.  We have both gone through a wide range of emotions (anger, guilt, sadness, and many more).  Each day does seem to get a little better.  When you get pregnant, you never think about your baby not being perfect at least perfect in the world's eyes.  But I believe that God will use her to help us grow as people and a family and I think she will actually end up teaching us so much more than we will be teaching her.  We will have our struggles (and what those will be are unknown) but our lives will still be rewarding and she will learn to do everything a "normal" child can do. (in her own timing).
I found a great support website and in just the one day of reading and receiving comments, this has helped tremendously.  It is truly a God send.  Each person has been so uplifting and encouraging and helping us realize that it is OK to be angry and scared.  It doesn't mean we love our little girl any less.  We need to give ourselves time to adjust to these changes and realize that her life will be different (from what we were expecting) but not any less rewarding.
We have told the boys and they are trying to grasp to the best of their ability.  I think Aiden is still too young to fully understand what is going on.  He did a little "fake" cry as we were telling them and then wanted to go play.  Ethan seems to understand a little more.  He wants to research with me and has been giving Ryan and I extra love at just the right moments.  Don't get me wrong... Ethan has already started trying to use this to his advantage.  He came in on Monday night with actual tears in his eyes and said " Mommy, will we be able to sleep in the tent tonight because you know, when I get worried about my baby sister, I need to be near you guys."  He is good isn't he?!?  Well... it worked, they slept in the tent that night and every night since.  What can I say, we are all adjusting.
In time, I know that Ryan and I will get through our feelings and become excited about this pregnancy and our new journey we have before us.  Until then... we continue to pray.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

In need of a Christmas miracle

Tonight I am torn... I have so much to be thankful for during this Season but my heart aches for our baby girl.  I pray that her heart will mend and the complications that have been found will be healed.  I wonder if this is selfish on my part but I can't stand to think of my baby having to suffer.  Monday (results day) seems so far away.  Thankfully I am staying busy these next few days so my mind is not constantly on the bad news we were given.  I think God understands my constant questions and sometimes anger.  He knows I am human... he made me.  It is not that I don't trust him and know he will take care of us, it is that I don't understand why this is happening.  I already lost one baby back in June. I know that this baby is safely in Jesus' arms and I will get to meet him/her one day.  I am not sure how that will work but I am sure that Jesus already has that figured out. 
I am thankful for my amazing husband.  This situation has already brought us closer together.  He will never fully grasp what his words to me today has done for me.  He says he now has a peace about the baby and he knows that we can handle whatever is handed to us.  We will have challenging times but together we can get through it.  This is a complete turn around from the way he has been feeling even as of last night.  These words lifted a huge weight off of me.  I felt like I was given a little piece of our miracle.  I still have not come to the place where he is now but I will get there and until I do, he will be the rock that I need to lean on.  I believe in time, I will have that same peace and understanding.  I will continue to pray and believe until I can reach this point.
I am very thankful for all of the prayers we have from our family and friends.  I know this is helping us get through each day and for that I will be forever grateful.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mommy update

I have been sick since last Thursday.  I finally made it out of bed and to the doctor on Saturday and found out I had a sinus infection plus sore throat and cough.  This was totally kicking my butt.  They had to put me on the lowest dosage of antibiotics due to the pregnancy so Tuesday was the first day that I started to feel like a real person again.  I came home from our Hotel party on Friday and went straight to bed.  I stayed in bed until work on Monday.  I completely missed the Barfield Christmas party on Saturday night.  The boys were able to go with Nana and Papa so they of course had a blast.  Although, Ethan came home with a goose egg on his head.  He actually said he didn't cry very much which is surprising because this time would have been a great excuse for a good cry.  On Sunday, Nana and Papa took them to church and kept them for a few hours to play.  Thanks to Nana and Papa the boys were not hermits like their parents all weekend.

The last few days have been very rough with the pregnancy.  We have gotten some bad news and until I can come to terms with my emotions, I will hold off on the update on the baby.  The one thing we know for certain is that her (that's right... it is a girl!!) heart has not developed properly.  We made a visit to the high risk doctor yesterday and were told that this is operable after birth but with a combination of some other findings... things are uncertain.  The doctor is looking into some other issues and we will know those results on Monday.  At this point, my family needs prayer and peace.  I have dealt with every type of emotion possible in the last few days but I am currently stuck on anger and guilt- guilt for being so angry.  I know that both this baby and I are in God's hands but when you are going through a trial this big, sometimes it is difficult to see that (and feel it). 

At this point, all we have told the boys is that the baby is very sick but of course they don't understand everything right now. (they literally wanted to go outside and play soccer.)  I pray that they would have peace and understanding as well.  They have been very excited to meet their baby sister and I pray that they will be able to grasp what and if anything happens.

Ethan's Christmas program

I am a little late posting this but Ethan's Christmas musical was wonderful.  He was a rapping grizzly bear (which if they knew his personality they might would have chosen a different type of bear).  We ended up bribing him to participate in the free style dancing and from what we saw, he moved from side to side.  At least that is better than him standing still which is what he told us he was going to do.  He looked very cute from a distant.  His outfit looked pitiful but it worked for what he needed.  I literally promised him he would never have to put it on again and threw it away as soon as he took it off. 
Check back for pictures.  I need to upload them from my camera.

Hotel Christmas party

On Friday, the boys came to our work for our annual Christmas party.  They always have a blast even though Mommy has to work through the party.  This year they both got their face painted and some balloon animals along with a gift from Santa.  Needless to say, they left happy.
                                                   Aiden chose a reindeer face. 
Ethan chose a smaller reindeer 
Both boys waiting patiently for their balloon animals. 
Stevie and the boys 
Aiden with his parrot
Ethan with his mouse. 
Aiden now with a sword.  He had to get something to go along with his parrot, of course. 
We thought this was funny.  The husbands sitting at the kids table. 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The boy's imagination

Sunday the boys decided that they would search through my closet for some boots to play around with.  They normally steer clear of my closet because they say it is too messy.  I tell them that if we had a bigger house with a bigger closet, then I could actually organize my shoes.  A Mommy can dream, right??
They walked around for a while in these boots and played cops and cowboys.  Aiden actually thought he could wear these to his Christmas program!!  He now reminds me each day that I need to buy him his own cowboy/cop boots. 
                                                          Aren't they cute?!?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Weekend full of Christmas programs and parties...

The Holt family has not stopped much these last few weeks.  It seems like there is something each night for us to attend and I am getting worn out!
On Friday night, the boys attended a Parent's night out at the church.  Thank you Pastor Jennifer and team for giving us Parent's a break for the evening.  We had to promise the boys that we would not pick them up earlier than 11pm and I was doing so good until about 10:30.  I was so ready for bed but I knew if I went home, I would never make it out again and the boys would be sleeping at the church by themselves.  So we got there a few minutes early and had to wait around so they could play a few games of hide and seek.
Saturday, Mommy got to have a little "me" time.  Ryan hooked me up with a pregnancy massage and facial.  I actually think he got a little tired of hearing me complain about my back hurting so he got me the massage hoping it would help.
After that, we headed to Chipley for the annual Sasser Christmas party.  The kids love, love, love Chipley.  They get to run around everywhere and I don't have to worry about them.  The literally played outside for hours.  Then it was time for Santa to arrive and go on a hay ride.
                                            The boys and their Papa

                                    Santa... (Shhh... this is actually Uncle Tommy)

                              Aiden acting like he can read the words to the songs and Ethan is too busy eating his candy cane to sing.  On our hayride, we go by the neighbors houses and sing a few songs for them.  Since we have been doing this for a few years, the neighbors know we are coming so now some families gather outside to wait for us and Santa will visit with them and give them little goodies. 
Then after the hayride it was back to the house for the Sasser's version of the Chinese gift exchange game.  Sometimes this gets a little out of hand but everyone behaved this year.  We left the party with a festive wreath (which Ryan said I will not be hanging- even though it was pretty, it isn't our style) and Ryan left with what we actually brought... a fishing tool set.
Aiden got a bouncy ball set but was very nice and traded with one of the younger girls and left with a Hot Wheels set.
Ethan got a Woody Mr. Potato head - Toy Story 3. 
On Sunday, we started our morning with church and then home to do some cleaning.  They boys had played hard and left the evidence to prove it.  Mommy was tired of tripping everytime I walked through the living room.  Daddy began to not feel well and spent majority of the day in bed.  So... he missed out on the boys Church Christmas progam Sunday night.  Aiden started off a little rocky and unsure that he wanted to participate but ended up doing very well.  He explained afterwards that "Mommy, I was just a little shy but I got over it during the play."  Ethan was one of the three wiseman and had a small speaking part.  He did great!
This is Aiden... not paying attention but looking so very cute!
Ethan doing his little motions to the music.  I swear they said the kids can wear green!! Don't judge me!
Ethan debuting as a wiseman.  Doesn't he look excited??? 
Aiden with his party hat on 
Overall... we had a very busy and productive weekend.  I don't see things slowing down in our near future.  Tonight we are attending Ethan's First grade musical where he will be a rapping grizzly bear.  I am having to bribe him a little to make sure he participates during one section of his song.  He has explained that there is a section where they have to freestyle (dance) and he is just not into that so he would like to just stand there.  He did say he would at least tap his foot to the music!!  I am trying to make sure this doesn't happen.  Is it too much to ask him to at least jump up and down?!?  I will post the outcome of the musical soon with some pictures.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Silly Ethan

This is my bright son Ethan.  If you look closely at his forehead, you will see a scrape.... and here is the story behind the scrape.  Ethan decided he would try to karate chop a graham cracker with his forehead.  I think he is taking this kung fu stuff a little too serious!   As you can see in this picture, he thinks he is quite funny.   I wonder what he will try next??  I sure do love my silly boys!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Visit with Santa

Last night we went for our annual visit with Santa and the Bass Pro Shop. 
                                    Aiden and Stevie on our way to the store. 
Then the boys played race cars until Santa returned from his break.  Now of course, can you guess what Ethan would like for Christmas???

                                Then it was their turn to have a little talk with Santa...Ethan has changed his mind numerous times and I am sure it will continue to change until the day of Christmas!
Ethan is getting so big!!
Aiden's turn to discuss his wishes...

My boys are getting so excited for Christmas.  They are literally counting down the days!  It seems like every night we are busy with something - either at school, with family or church.  So more Christmas posts to come...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Fantasy in Lights

This past weekend we took the boys to Callaway Gardens to see the Fantasy in Lights. They had a blast playing with their cousins, Nana and Papa as well as seeing some great Christmas lights.
Here we are trying to waste some time before the light show.  A trip to the mall with 4 kids was very interesting.  Before we knew it, Ian had removed a mannequins shoe and then knocked her over.  Then they got these great balloon swords and animals.  When do kids realize that balloon animals don't last forever.  Each time one of them popped we had a major meltdown (well... minus Mikayla).

 I had a picture of the boys with their balloons but my camera messed up so imagine the same pose with Ethan and Aiden.
Now we are checking out some leather jackets for Papa.  The kids sat quietly on the bear skins.

Here we are at the Fantasy in Lights.  - Ethan must of been running wild all night because I don't have a single picture of him. :(

                                  This was called the Twin Trees.  It was beautiful!

On Sunday, we surprised my Aunt at her church.  We thought it would be nice to visit her since we were in the same town. So... three of her brothers and sisters and all of the families showed up to give her a little surprise.  Little did we know that we would also be surprised.  She decided to pull all of us on the stage to be her choir for the morning!  Ryan and the boys were all great sports and came up as well.  Good thing, because I think she would have called them out and then pulled them up there. 
We had a great time and I appreciate my parents for inviting us to come along on their weekend adventure.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Mommy's birthday wish

I found out on my birthday that I messed up Ryan's elaborate birthday celebration!  I had told him about a week before that I had to go to the Church Women's Christmas party on my birthday.  We were revealing our Secret Pal's and I couldn't imagine Nana sitting there without a gift.  We don't normally do anything special for our birthdays so I didnt' think it was a big deal.  Well... was I wrong.  Ryan had planned for a special dinner that evening.  He was going to leave a note for me to find when I woke up saying to be ready to meet him after work for a special night.  He was going to pick out my outfit and have it ready for me after work (scary!!).  Now, my husband picking out my outfit = my worst nightmare.  I can't even imagine what I would have been dressed in.  Especially since I am pregnant and there isn't much in my closet that fits.  Oh well... it was a sweet gesture.  So, on my birthday he came into my office to at least give me my gift (since I had messed everything else up).  To my surprise, he had upgraded my wedding ring.  He picked out the new ring all by himself and I am very impressed.  I find myself staring at it every now and then.  I feel very special!!
My only other request for my birthday was to come home to a clean kitchen.  So, Ryan did the first load in the dishwasher and then Aiden helped out with the rest.
Mommy was very happy!!

14 weeks and a few days...

Today I had my 14 week appointment which was pretty uneventful.  I actually lost a few pounds so I am now below my starting weight.  I don't really mind this but of course, they would like to see the scale tip a little in the other direction.  I haven't been feeling like eating lately.  I have finally gotten over the everyday sickness but food still doesn't look all that appetizing to me.  I am sure this will change in no time at all so I am enjoying being a few pounds lighter for now.
The doctor measured my belly and we got to listen to the heartbeat again.  Everything is right on track.  I am now starting to relax a little more and beginning to enjoy this new adventure.  I have begun to feel a little flutter every now and then so this is also reassuring.  I forgot how great (and weird) it is to feel the baby move around inside your belly. 
I will now start going every 2 weeks to get my cervix measured in hopes of preventing bed rest and another premature baby.  My next appointment will be on December 20th and I will have an ultrasound and hopefully the baby will cooperate so we can see what we are having.  Soon after this appointment, I can bring the boys in to watch an ultrasound so they can begin to grasp the concept of a little baby in my belly.  Right now, I am not sure they can wrap their little brains around the idea.  I am excited for them to share in this experience.