Sunday, August 22, 2010

Mommy's heartache...

Who knew that one day that seemed so normal could end up shaking your world.

On May 19th, I found out some news that was both surprising and scary.  I made a visit to my doctor for some issues I had been dealing with.  To my surprise... I was told that I was 6 weeks pregnant.  My first reaction and words were "how can this be??" Now... trust me, I know how everything works but it was not what I was expecting to hear at that moment.  As soon as I heard, I knew that something was wrong (hence the reason for the visit).  After being told this news, I had to wait for the ultrasound room to be available.  What was probably only 10 minutes of waiting easily seemed like 2 hours.  While waiting, I quickly texted Ryan and he came right over.  Thank goodness the Dr.'s office is close to our work.  I think we were both in shock at the news. 

A little background info:
We had decided in January that we would start trying for another baby.  All through that time, I would go back and forth on whether I really was ready or even wanted to start all over.  I was happy that I had two healthy boys and I am grateful for what we had been blessed with.  At this point, I am done with diapers, bottle feeding but... still dealing with temper tantrums and not sleeping through some nights (does that ever end??).  But then again, I always did want three kids and I think I would miss not having a girl (or at least needed to try for a girl).  For some reason, this time around hasn't gone as planned.  With both boys, when we decided to get pregnant it was immediate.  No worries... no trying for months.  I don't know if it is because I am older or my body can't figure out what it wants to do but it is not happening quickly. 

So back to the 19th of May... when we got into the ultrasound room, we found out that I was just short of 6 weeks pregnant and my due date was to be January 10, 2011.  But... I was experiencing a threatened miscarriage. What?!?  I knew that I would probably have difficulties with another pregnancy just as I had with Aiden (thanks to my toddler baby- 9lbs 11oz big boy Ethan) but never worried about a miscarriage.  So... we left the office to go about our business.  I still think I was in shock because I knew my body didn't feel pregnant.  I knew right away that I was pregnant with both boys before I even took a pregnancy test.  My body just felt different and I knew.  This time... nothing.  But by Sunday, the bleeding had gotten worse and I thought this was the day that I would lose the baby.  We sent the boys to church with my parents and we headed to the hospital.  They immediately took me to a room and we did some blood work and another ultrasound.  To our surprise, the baby still looked OK and we saw the heartbeat.  It looked strong and this made me feel a little better but the news was the same, a threatened miscarriage.  On Monday, I went into work only to find out that I should be on bed rest until my next appointment which was in another week.  This made it a little difficult...I hadn't told my boss since we weren't sure what was happening.  This was a big surprise and an inconvenience for the office, I am sure. 

So, I stayed on bed rest for the next 7 days with no change.  These 7 days were extremely difficult.  I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I was on bed rest for 7 weeks with Aiden (which included a one week hospital stay) and it didn't seem as difficult as these 7 days.  I think because I knew that this time the outcome might be different.  We had our follow up appointment on June 1st.  We got into the ultrasound room and I knew immediately by the look on the Dr's face that it was not good news.  I was heart broken.  I never realized how much I wanted another baby until I was told that I had lost mine. 

We had to move quickly to the next step which meant the surgery was the following day (June 2nd) so I didn't have much time to prepare and/or grieve.  I found out quickly that I was not ready emotionally for this day.  I never realized how hard this surgery was going to be.  But the Dr. was great and she even held my hand to comfort me until I feel asleep on the operating table.  She will never know how grateful I am for that.  The recovery (physically but more emotionally) was very difficult but we have had a lot of support from our family/friends.

At this point, we have decided not to tell the boys what had happened since they would have a difficult time understanding.  Most of the time, we think they have minds like adults.  The things they think of and say catch us off guard.  But even though they seem mature in the way their mind works (most of the time) we feel we still need to guard their hearts. 

After my follow up appointment we got the green light to start trying again.  And now all of the sudden,  babies are on the boy's mind.  Aiden has already given he/she a name just in case.  He says if the baby is a boy his name will be Red Wings and a girl will be Rosie.  Not sure where he came up with these but he is ready and secretly so am I.

It hasn't been easy these last few months and mostly because things are not happening the way that I want them to.  I miss what could have been with this baby.  I know that all things happen for a reason and I do believe that but also this baby was a part of me and Ryan and therefore I loved him/her (even if it was for a very short period).  I didn't have much time with this baby but he/she will always hold a piece of my heart. 
I believe this situation is a lesson for me to learn that things don't happen in my timing but in God's.  But hopefully, some day soon we will be reporting some happy news for the Holt family and if not, then I will be happy and feel blessed with the two precious gifts that God has already given me.

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