Tomorrow might be the day. We will know in the morning if I am too far along to be sent home. My last appointment, I was 5-6 cm and tomorrow if I am a full 6cm then I think I will be sent directly to the hospital. Ryan and I are preparing as if I will be 6cm since my contractions are getting a lot stronger but still not consistent enough to warrant going to the hospital on my own.
I have thought about Isabelle all day today- not much different than any other day but we are now so close. I am ready for this pregnancy to come to an end but I am scared and emotional to meet my daughter. Those words are hard to say but my emotions are still raw. I have had 5 months to come to terms with Isabelle's diagnosis and without a doubt, these have been the hardest 5 months of my life. I have dealt with every type of emotion possible and then come to find out they resurface and I have to deal with them again. I often wonder what it would have been like to not know throughout the pregnancy. How would this time have been different for me? What would my reaction be like after delivery? This pregnancy has been very difficult but at this point, I am thankfully for knowing. I have been able to research (although that can be scary at times), I have found other families with children with DS (this has helped tremendously) and I have come to terms the best I know how. Although I am scared, I am anxious at the same time to finally meet her and begin this new journey.
Ryan has been my rock. I often wonder how he is dealing with everything because men are different. He doesn't seem to express any feelings one way or the other like I do. Once he came to terms and realized that this is the baby girl we were meant to have, he has never expressed any negative feelings/emotions and has just been anxious to meet her. I am so thankful for him because his strength has helped me more than he realizes.
I love Isabelle with all of my heart. There is no doubting that. I feel like I have already had to protect her. We still haven't told a lot of people about her having DS because we didn't want to hear any opinions- good or bad. (Although I am sure more people know than I actually realize). We had already listened to some opinions that were too difficult to handle. It makes me realize that I am Isabelle's advocate. God has given her to Ryan and I and she is our responsibility. That is something that I do not take lightly. God must realize that I am actually stronger than I think I am because he has chosen us to be her parents and that is a big responsibility. Although I am scared of our future, because I can't fully grasp what our future now holds, I know that Isabelle will be a blessing in our family- our entire family.
I am praying that if tomorrow is the day, that the delivery will go smoothly and Isabelle will arrive healthy. She has a lot of people that already love her and are very anxious to meet her.