Just call me Eeyore!! Woe is me... Today is my day to throw a little pity party. It is a party for one and even I don't really want to attend.
My morning started off a bit rocky and I wasn't feeling my best. My body has been a little achy today and Isabelle has definitely not liked any of my food choices. (the joys of pregnancy!)
My emotions have also been out of whack and I am sure that a lot of this has to do with the pregnancy hormones. You know, today is one of those days where I don't understand life and I think that it is cruel and unfair. I want to lay on the floor kicking and screaming until I get my way. (hey... doesn't it work for our kids sometimes??) Every time I think I have sorted through all of the possible emotions, one decides to show it's ugly head again. Why me?? Why my family?? Why my baby girl??
At this point, I know all of the right things to say when asked how I feel about my baby having DS but in reality-at times- I want to scream from the roof tops that it isn't fair and yes...sometimes I still get mad at the world. To be quite honest, I am scared!! Am I strong enough to handle these challenges??
All of these emotions that I am going through will never change my love for Isabelle. Most of my days are filled with happy thoughts and excitement to meet her. But there are those few days where I get overwhelmed with the emotionally side of Isabelle's diagnosis and it seems like I have to tread through these deep emotions once again. I have all these different emotions because I already love her so much! This is my baby girl that I had prayed for for so long and with that... I have to believe that this is the baby girl that is meant to be in my life. She is going to complete me and complete our family.
So as I sit here writing this... Isabelle is going crazy in my belly. She is doing her exercises and practicing her flips as usual. With that, I am reminded how truly blessed I am and my pity party is slowing beginning to fade away. I am sure I will have plenty more days filled with questions but as long as I remember that I am not alone and my family is blessed, I will get through them.
3 comments:
It will get better and easier, but, honestly, three years into this, I still have my Eeyore days.
Be sure you give yourself time to mourn. Because you did lose someone. You lost the typical, 46-chromosomed child you were expecting. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It doesn't mean you don't love Isabelle any less. It just means you're human.
(((hugs)))
You are definitely not alone, and it's perfectly normal to have all of those feelings. :-) We surprise ourselves by our strength when it comes to our children - you may not feel strong enough now, or even when she's born, but it'll come... You're definitely off to a great start!!
I remember those feelings - the night we found out about Chase's diagnosis (just hours after his birth) - I felt like I was in a nightmare that would never end. It was the worst thing ever. It makes no sense to me that I could legitimately feel that way, but now experience more joy that even conceivable from that same little boy. Look forward to being on the other side of this pain - it will be amazing, joyful, just incredible. You will love it ... it's just hard wading through the grief and getting to that point.
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