Every since I heard those words "your baby has Down Syndrome" and will have a heart defect that requires surgery, I have had many emotional/dark days... many days of feeling sorry for myself, and worrying about everything. I have had days where I am confident that I can handle anything and then the very next day, I want to crawl under a rock and pretend none of this is happening.
The unknown of our future has kept me from preparing for baby Isabelle and even becoming too excited for her delivery. But the time is coming so close to her arrival that I can't put off preparing any longer. I have spent the last few days going through baby clothes that have been given to us and putting together Isabelle's bassinet and I am finally getting excited. I look at these newborn clothes and wonder... are babies really this tiny?? I know mine haven't been! Mine were walking, talking and demanding a cheeseburger right after delivery. I showed Ryan these tiny onesies and we both just sat in amazement at the thought of our baby girl possibly fitting into these tiny outfits. I do have to say that I was getting a little overwhelmed by all of the pink. After having 2 boys, pink has not been in my vocabulary. This is something that I will have to get used to. (Don't worry... I think I am up for the challenge but it will take a little time to get used to it all!)
I think Isabelle's diagnosis was put into perspective for me last Friday, I was walking around the hotel and I noticed a mother pushing her child in a hospital bed through the lobby struggling to get out to the pool deck. I watched in amazement as this mother was going through what looked like her normal daily routine of caring for her child. She wasn't worried about what others thought or said. She was walking around with a smile on her face and obviously enjoying her vacation with her family. When I saw that her child wasn't even able to get out of a hospital bed to swim or run around the beach like all of the other children, I thought to myself..." and I am feeling sorry for myself??" Yes, things have not turned out like I would have planned and still if I could change the outcome... I would. But really... things could be a lot worse. I am blessed and I will be blessed beyond measure to have Isabelle in my life!! I know that I will continue to struggle because I am human. I will still have my good days mixed with some bad days but as long as I keep things in perspective... I will make it!
My devotional a few days ago said: Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangled up in its worry-web. Trust Me one day at a time.
I need to stop looking to the future because the future is unknown. I need to focus on each day and enjoy the life that I have and know that I will grow and become stronger as I continue on this new journey that has been placed before me. I don't have all of the answers and I never will but Isabelle is my little girl... the little girl that I was meant to have.