Saturday, January 22, 2011

My Saturday morning...

Today I have cried a lot of tears and it is only 10:30am!  It has just been one of those mornings.  I cried for Isabelle and also me.  I am still not sure who I was crying more for... maybe us both.
I cried while watching a show about a mother helping her daughter plan her dream wedding and then a few scenes later her mother was in the delivery room supporting her daughter while she was delivering her first baby.  These are things that I have dreamed about but I am not sure that Isabelle will experience.  I cried for the loss of those dreams I have had and I cried while trying to wrap my mind around the new dreams we will create.  You see... those dreams are unknown to me at this point.  My mind is blank in that area because I can't see what is going to happen for Isabelle and up to this point in my life... I haven't had to try to imagine it.  I know that Isabelle will be happy and have a wonderful life but will she feel like she is missing out on certain things??  Will she even be missing out on those things??  I don't know!!  The only thing I do know is that as her Mommy, I will give her every opportunity that my boys will  have to be who and what she wants to be.  I will support her in everything she does in her life.  I will expect the same things from her as I expect from my boys.  I will not allow anyone to put limitations on her.  Down Syndrome will not define Isabelle. Isabelle will be the most wonderful girl that anyone has meet and she will bless each person she comes in contact with. 
I a writing this post mainly for myself.  I want to be able to look back on it down the road and see that yes... I did have those days where I was sad and mourned the loss of my dreams but I still made it!  My life didn't go as I had planned but God had a different plan and it was just a good and possibly even better than I could have imagined.
So... enough of these sappy shows for one day.  It is time to get myself and the boys ready and out the door for a day on the town.   We have a busy day planned full of haircuts and shopping for camping stuff.  That's right... the Holt's are going on our very first family camping trip in a few weeks.  We are starting off slow so it is only a few miles from our house but we are going to have a blast.  (I hope).


Mer said...

Praying for you - it is so hard to digest all these emotions! It gets easier though, as your heart will fill with more and more and more love until those other emotions just have no room anymore. All our kids will surprise us with what they can and will accomplish - who knows what amazing things they will do to blow us away!

Dianne Guthmuller said...

Tonya, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. It helps to know how to pray for you. As someone who's known you all your life, I am inspired of the strength God is giving you! You are teaching other women how to walk through hard times.

Isabel is going to have a great life because she's going to have you as her mother!

Love you!

Aunt Dianne

Beth said...

Hi Tonya! My name is Beth Herrington and I found your blog while reading Kelle Hamptons blog comments tonight. I love Kelle! keep following her she'll change your world.. 6 months ago my Angel Baby Chloe was born. She is amazing, exactly what you will feel the very moment you see your Isabelle. I'm so happy that you are allowing yourself to grieve that is so important. It wont last, I promise.. I went through EVERY SINGLE emotion that you wrote about over and over again. Kelle wrote me an email a few weeks after Chloe was born and she assured me that "Everything will be okay." I doubted her, I did. But almost 7 months later I can't imagine Chloe being anyone else and everything is so much better than okay!! Chloe was #5 for my husband and I. Our other kids feel exactly the same way. They are so proud of their baby sister. I never get a chance to hold her.. Please know that my prayers are with you and your beautiful family. I can't wait to follow your blog and meet beautiful Isabelle.I don't have Blog "yet" but I do have a facebook with tons of pictures. You can find me by my email Please feel free to reach out if you ever need a friend that knows exactly what you're going through. Take care and rub that beautiful belly for me! Beth

Anonymous said...

Hi Tonya! I stumbled upon your blog through FB. We have a baby boy with down syndrome. He is now nine months old. I did not know that he had down syndrome like you do when I was pregnant. But I see how God prepared me in His Wonderful way anyways. All I can tell you is that Benji is the love of our lives. He blesses us in ways that we just cannot adequately describe. There is something extra special about that extra chromomsome. He truly is a gift from God. He is hilarious too. He knows we think he is totally adorable, and it cracks us up. But we have five other blessings from God as well, and he is special, special. Not that our other kids are not special, but there is something about him that you will understand what I mean when you have your precious baby girl. A great blog is A Perfect Lily! She writes letters to her most beautiful baby girl with down syndrome. You will fall in love if you have not been there already. Much love to you!

Dani said...

Hi Tonya- I read a post from Beth so I am stopping by to say hello : ) My name is Dani- I have E-V who is 2.6 so Im a little further down the road then you guys :) Its always great to talk to people who are in different stages. I can honestly say E-V changed our world forever and I don't know how I was living before her : ) She is extra special- a true blessing from God. I do have another beautiful daughter Savana who is 19 (yes im one of those crazy people) she absolutely adores her little sister and she has a blog as well ..I do have a blog and I am on Facebook. My blog:
my daughters blog about her sister:

I am here - I look forward to following your journey- if you have any questions please send me an email: If you are on facebook I know there are several new moms to be on there as well as one beautiful mom who just delivered beautiful Violet on 1/21/11. Best of luck and I look forward to chatting with you : ) take care!! Dani

Amber Watts said...

Hi Tonya :) my name is Amber Marie Watts and I happened across your blog thanks to a friend on facebook. I am a mother raising two boys, one of whom happens to have Down syndrome. I wanted to introduce myself to you and let you know that you have support from other moms that have already begun this challenging yet rewarding journey of raising a child with Down syndrome. It is obvious to me that because of the difficult choices and realizations you have already made regarding your precious daughter, God has definitely choose an amazing mother, the perfect mother for Isabelle! May you learn to consider it all joy as I am learning and have may you have fun on your journey!
I am 32 and have been married to my husband for 12 years. I have two boys, Monte is 9 and has Down syndrome and Isaac is 3 (and very typical). I wouldnt change anything about either one of my boys as they are perfectly and wonderfully made exactly as they are. There are struggles, tears, and broken dreams, but mostly there are smiles, hugs and laughs as we learn, laugh, love and grow as a family. I invite you to check out my blog at
and would encourage you to read my story of bringing my Monte Man into the world, Consider It All Joy

I would love to be here for you if you need to talk, cry, laugh or as questions at any time! You can reach me on facebook
or by email @

Amber Marie Watts :)